Blog - Memorial Mortuaries

John Allen Gilbert “Pop Pop”

Wed, 05 Apr 2023 21:55:00 GMT

John Allen Gilbert, “Pop Pop”, passed away April 1, 2023 at his home in Salt Lake City. He was born July 23, 1956 in Los Angeles, California to John Allen Gilbert and Patricia Sanderson. He married Delene Ann Gilbert on April 16, 1986.

John was a mechanic, handyman, and a jack-of-all-trades. He loved music, playing guitar, fishing, his Harley, his children, his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren. He also loved his great green dinosaurs.

John is survived by (Mommy) Patricia Pace; (Siblings) Linda Gilbert (Curtis), Steve Gilbert (Tammy), Jim Gilbert (Kellie), Lisa Lano (Arnie); (Children) Brittney Gilbert (Brad), Ashley Barros (Anthony), and Melissa Becker (Tim); (Grandchildren) Alisha Welch (Kohl), Jessica Jolly, Daisha Smith, Joseph Gilbert, Savanna Fry, Arianna Fry, Aaliyah Gorman, and Hazel Becker; (Great-grandchildren) Elias Schardt-Smith and Avara Schardt-Smith.

John was preceded in death by his dad, John Gilbert; wife, Delene Gilbert; son, Dustin Gilbert; siblings, Robert Gilbert, Lori Adams and nephew AJ Gilbert.

Funeral Services will be held Friday, April 7, 2023. At the Mortuary at 1pm.

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Austin David Westley

Tue, 27 Sep 2022 22:21:00 GMT

Austin David Westley, 32 passed away peacefully at home surrounded by those he loved after a brutal fight with appendix cancer. His beautiful soul touched so many lives and we will all forever be changed having known him.
The world became a brighter place when Austin was born to loving parents David and Janis Westley on August 23, 1990, in Sandy, Utah. He grew up with four siblings who kept him in AND out of trouble. They helped shape him into the quirky, fun-loving boy we all know and love.
His love of nature started at a young age. He enjoyed gardening, discovering new flowers, birdwatching and campouts in the backyard with his Mom. This would become a stepping stone for later adventures in his life. His Dad taught him how to live hard, love fast cars and to have a good joke at the ready.
Austin grew up in an amazing neighborhood where he made lifelong best friends, two words: mischief managed.
Austin was all about music. He had a love for all instruments, the stranger the better, but was extremely talented when it came to playing the piano and drums. He was able to show off these talents in a recorded album, as well as many band gigs. When you didn’t find Austin at the piano, he was most certainly outside skateboarding with friends or finding a new hill to chase a thrill on his longboard.
At 16 years old Austin was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare childhood cancer.
After a long road of treatment Austin had the privilege to explore London and Paris with his family through Make-A-Wish. He loved getting to see so many major landmarks and fuel his love for history.
Following the end of his cancer treatment, Austin experienced a rebirth into teenage hood. He didn’t want to miss out anymore. He started developing friendships across the globe, talking to all the girls and would play video games way into the night with his best childhood friends – becoming a master of guitar hero and rockband. He found a taste of freedom when taking long drives and just living life to the fullest in every moment. He was snarky, sassy and hilarious.
In the summer of 2009 Austin started dating Kirsti Anjewierden where they became inseparable. The only thing causing them to part was when Austin decided to serve an LDS mission. He served in North Carolina where he learned to love BBQ, Cheer wine, Cookouts, and those he served.
Returning home from his mission he proposed to and married the love of his life Kirsti in the Draper LDS Temple on August 3, 2012. He also began furthering his education at the University of Utah where he would earn a Bachelor’s Degree in Parks and Recreation and a Master’s Degree in Public Administration. Austin had a love of learning and expanding his knowledge.
Kirsti and Austin lived a beautiful life together. They lived large, loud and full of love.
Their marriage was based around teamwork, communication and friendship. They were able to be their true selves with each other. They enjoyed trips to Disneyland together, tackling large projects and loving all aspects of a life together. They adopted two dogs together, Maggie and Cooper who he adored. Austin supported Kirsti in all of her big projects, whether it be a kitchen remodel or all her artistic endeavors. He was truly a partner.

Austin was an avid outdoorsman – he loved to plan backpacking trips, hikes, picking out seeds for his garden and going for runs. He was super active and enjoyed sharing his love of nature with others.
When the time was right, Austin and Kirsti began their long journey to start their family by the miracle of in vitro fertility due to his cancer journey as a teenager. After two and a half years of fertility treatments their lives were blessed on June 8, 2020, with the most perfect twin boys.
Brooks and Oliver. Austin is a brilliant Daddy. He was nervous he wouldn’t know what to do, but immediately loved his boys more than life itself. He never shied away from poopy diapers, late night feedings, or lots of crying. He took it all in stride, loving every minute. If there was ever a bright side of Covid, it forced Austin’s work to be at home and he was able to spend every moment cherishing his boys.
Earlier this year Austin was able to share his love of Disney magic with his boys. He savored every moment of showing Disneyland to Brooks and Ollie. They rode the teacups more than anyone should, learned the beauty of a churro and got to meet Mickey. His family will have so many cherished memories of their trip together.
The last months of his life he Lived – not letting a scary cancer absolutely consume him. He still looked for the horizon and a good joke. He never stopped being a Dad, and was hoping to be able to stay with us for years to come. He was ready to show his boys the love of the world he had.
We believe Austin will forever be with us. There are so many ways to cherish his memory and life. The next time you eat a peanut butter sandwich, think of Austin. The next time you take a moment to stop and smell the flowers, or pick tomatoes, think of Austin. But most of all remember that Austin is sunshine. He touched the lives of so many people. He was the best at befriending everyone and like sunshine his love spread everywhere. So, when you step outside and feel that warm sunshine on your cheek, think of Austin and how much he loved you.
Austin is survived by his wife Kirsti, their children Brooks and Oliver. His parents David and Janis Westley, his siblings Misha (Matthew) Nieuwland, Karli McMillan, Sheri Steele, Dustin Westley and his nieces and nephews – Dane, Easton, Cash, Westley, Emma, Deakinn, and Kate. He is survived by Kirsti’s parents Dwayne and Shannon Anjewierden, sister-in-laws Ashley Anjewierden (Shelby Brey), Reagan Anjewierden and brother-in-law Alec Anjewierden.
Funeral services will be held on Friday, September 30, 2022, at 11:00 AM at the Crescent North Stake Building, 1050 East 10600 South Sandy, Utah. Friends and family are invited to attend a viewing on Thursday September 29, 2022, at the Crescent North Stake Building from 6 to 8 PM and again on Friday prior to services from 9:00 to 10:30 AM.

In lieu of flowers a GoFundMe account has been set up for Kirsti, Brooks and Oliver to pay for medical and living expenses.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/austins-cancer-journey-end

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Grief Integration

Wed, 21 Sep 2022 16:59:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen

How can I get closure?

This is a question I hear on a pretty regular basis. And I completely understand what is behind it – we want to be able to put the painful feelings of grief behind us. We want to be able to feel normal, whole, and back to who we were. Unfortunately, for most people, the idea of closure with grief is a myth.

Over the years there has been an idea that in order to properly work through grief, you should reach an end point – or a resolution. That we should, at some point, feel settled in our loss. This was popularized by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief, which make us believe that as we complete each stage we are heading towards an ultimate conclusion of grief. However, this is simply not the case for most people. For most people the goal is grief integration.

What is grief integration?

Put simply, it means that we accept the new normal of our life and that grief no longer dominates our thoughts and feelings. Grief will still be a part of your life – but you will have found a way to stay connected to and honor your deceased loved one and you are more familiar with how to handle the complexities that grief brings your way.

How do I integrate my grief?

For most people, time is going to be the most important part of integration (I know that “time” is a cliché with grief, but it is a cliché for a reason). But there are other tasks that help us integrate our grief as well.

Pauline Boss is a grief researcher who has focused on grief integration during her career. She identifies six guidelines to help people work with their grief:

1) making meaning out of loss;

2) relinquishing one’s desire to control an uncontrollable situation;

3) recreating identity after loss;

4) becoming accustomed to ambivalent feelings;

5) redefining one’s relationship with whatever and whomever they’ve lost;

6) finding new hope.

I think these guidelines can be realistic and helpful when figuring out what the path through grief might look like or what you are trying to accomplish during your grief work. As you can see, YOU are the one who gets to decide what each of these guidelines looks like for your grief – there isn’t one right way to accomplish any of these. (You can read more about Pauline Boss and her work here.)

Of course, there are some people that DO feel that they have an end point in their grief. I have talked with some people who feel that their grief is over – they mourned and they have “moved on” so to speak. And, I want to point out, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way. All of our minds work differently and all of our grief work will look different as well.

If you feel like you could use extra support with your grief, please reach out to Amanda Nelsen Amanda.Nelsen@MemorialUtah.com.

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Regret

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 20:02:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen

The topic of regret has been on my mind recently. I often hear clients talk about the regrets they had after a loved one died – some become quite reflective on things they could have done differently or “better” while their loved one was still alive. Some think about the physical process of death that occurred – and have regrets about the way they handled it or dealt with it.

But I also hear about regrets in the mourning process. There have been two regrets that I hear most often – so I thought I’d share my thoughts on those regrets and perhaps ways to avoid them.
The first is regrets over not seeing their loved one’s body after death.

Of course, there are situations where it is not possible to view your loved one, but this regret is more specifically about declining to see their loved one after death.

There are many reasons someone might decline to see their loved one, but I often hear about people declining because they don’t want to see their loved one “that way.” Which is understandable – seeing your loved one’s body brings up a lot of difficult emotions. There is absolutely no way around that – however, that is often the point of many grieving rituals. In order for us to move forward in our grief, we must experience the painful and difficult parts.

You can do a few things to prepare yourself to seeing the body. If the funeral staff didn’t tell you what to anticipate, ask questions (Who will be there? What state will the body be in? What is the room like? How much time do you have? Can you touch the body? Are there parts that are covered because of damage?)

It is also important that the bereaved communicate their own desires and expectations. Some things to consider: Do they want to be alone? How close do they want to be to the body? Are there religious rituals they want to perform?

Of course, all that being said, many people choose not to view their loved one’s body and feel that is the right decision for them. You know yourself and, whatever decision you make, your grief will move forward.

The second regret I hear is when people don’t have a memorial ritual after a loved one’s death (a memorial ritual being a funeral, religious service, or some other tradition). It is often tempting to bypass having a funeral. Maybe the deceased expressed they didn’t want one, maybe the prospect of planning and attending a funeral seems too overwhelming, maybe you think it’s best to try and focus on the “celebration” of someone’s life instead of mourning for them.

I understand the desire to avoid a funeral. They can be difficult and very sad. It’s natural to want to turn away from them. It’s natural to think that holding a celebration will help circumvent some of the messiness of early grief. Unfortunately, grief doesn’t work that way.

There is a popular saying, “In grief, the only way out of the pain, is through it.” Having a funeral gives you a good start on going through the pain. Not having a funeral (or memorial ritual of some type) helps the grief grow.

And even if you didn’t have a memorial ritual soon after the death, you can have one any time you are able. Finding ways to remember your loved one and mourn together will be key to moving forward in grief, and hopefully avoid any further regrets about the grieving process.

If you have any questions or would like to talk to a grief specialist, please feel free to reach out.

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Patrick Arthur Murphy

Mon, 30 May 2022 16:47:00 GMT

Our most beloved father, grandfather, brother, uncle, and friend unexpectedly returned to his loving God on May 20, 2022.

Patrick Arthur Murphy was born on July 4, 1942 in Coronado, California. Pat was a twin to his brother, Pete, rounding out the four sons of John Tennyson Murphy and Mable Burnett Murphy. Pat spent his early childhood in Coronado, California, then moving to Dulzura in 1949. Due to his life circumstances, Pat left high school in the tenth grade; however, Pat showed tremendous tenacity to return and receive his diploma several years later. Pat has always been incredibly driven and goal-oriented; receiving his high school diploma was a highlight of his life, due to the immense sacrifice and work it took for him to do so.

During the summer of 1961, Pat was working for the Forestry Service and through the course of his employment, visited a local chicken farm where he set eyes on the beautiful Dorothy (Dottie) Lee Ortega for the first time. They married in Winterhaven, California on November 5, 1961. They enjoyed 51 years of marriage together, where they traveled all over the western United States, and particularly enjoyed traveling to Las Vegas, Nevada. Pat and Dottie were hard workers, and excellent stewards of the income Pat brought in; they purchased a small parcel of property in Cedar City, Utah, where Pat and Dottie enjoyed working side by side in building a home away from home, a place where their family could gather with ease, happiness, and joy. So many wonderful memories have been made in Cedar City.

Our Pat was an extremely responsible and a hard worker until the very end. Although Pat and Dorothy’s first years of marriage were difficult due to their circumstances, they worked together and rose above, making countless sacrifices along the way, all the while developing a deep, forever bond. In 1973, Pat and Dorothy moved from Campo to Buena Park, California, when they heard about the airlines hiring. In 1974, Pat and Dottie moved their family to Milpitas, where they lived for nine years; during that time, Pat was working for Western Airlines (which in 1986 became Delta Airlines), where he became a foreman of over 40 employees. In 1983, Pat and Dorothy moved their family to Bountiful, Utah, due to a job transfer. Pat enjoyed a rich and wonderful 26-year career with Delta, many of those friendships lasting until his final days. Pat retired from Delta in 1999.

Pat endured a tremendous amount of grief and turmoil after his beloved Dorothy passed away in 2013; his family is incredibly proud of the way he honored his beautiful Dorothy by visiting her gravesite on a weekly if not a more frequent basis, forever honoring her memory in word and deed. Pat’s entire life was spent devoted to his amazing wife, his three incredible sons, and the specific joy that only can be experienced when becoming a grandfather to five beautiful granddaughters. His life was spent serving them, loving them, praying for them, being a support to them. There was nothing that surpassed the importance of his family, which is evident by the way Pat lived and loved.

Pat is preceded in death by his parents, John and Mabel Murphy; Pat’s brothers: David, James, and his beloved twin brother, Pete. And most importantly, our Pat was preceded in death by his eternal love, Dorothy Lee Ortega Murphy. Pat is survived by their three wonderful sons, Patrick (Lisa) Murphy, Rick (Jackie) Murphy, and Darryl (Julianne Kitzmiller) Murphy. Pat is also survived by his adoring, dutiful dedicated, and loving granddaughters: Kimberly Murphy (Björn), Ciera Murphy, Addison Murphy Clarke (Hunter Clarke), Katelyn Murphy, and Ashley Murphy as well as loving step-grandchildren: Anna Peacock (Ethan Hoffmann), Andrew Peacock..

Funeral services will be held on Thursday, June 2, 2022 at 1:00 PM at Memorial Lake View Mortuary & Cemetery: 1640 Lakeview Drive, Bountiful, UT 84010. A viewing will be held the same day from 12:00 – 12:45 PM. Interment will immediately follow the funeral services; all services will be held at the same location (Memorial Lake View Mortuary & Cemetery; 1650 Lakeview Drive, Bountiful). A viewing will be held on Thursday, June 2, 2022 from 12:00 PM to 12:45 PM at Memorial Lakeview Mortuary and Cemetery. Funeral service will be held following the viewing at 1:00 PM. Interment will be at Lakeview Memorial, 1640 Lakeview Drive, Bountiful, UT. Special thanks to Dr. Doug Kastellarr, for his loving care of our father, and the wonderful neighbors and friends that he knew and loved for over 30 years in his Bountiful neighborhood. Online condolences can be left at www.memorialutah.com.

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Navigating Grief During and After the Covid-19 Pandemic

Wed, 30 Mar 2022 22:44:00 GMT

As a grief therapist, I have seen a lot of people grieving loved ones who died from Covid-19 over the past couple of years. A recent study has shown that people who have experienced the death of a loved one due to Covid-19, have increased mental health issues than a pre-pandemic death (Breen, Lee, and Neimeyer).

There have also been studies identifying that people who lose a loved one by Covid-19 are at higher risk for dysfunctional grief, separation distress, post-traumatic stress, and complicated grief. Of course, not everyone will have complex issues with their grief during this time period, but it is good to keep in mind and watch out for extra complications.

Grief, by its very nature, is a lonely experience. Even when you are able to mourn with others around you, you have a deep loss and that makes you feel even more lonely. During this pandemic, we have also had to be isolated from so many other things – friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, and even just the casual acquaintances we all interact with. This additional isolation has made the loneliness of grief more acute during this time.

There is also the difficulty of processing a continuous stream of bad news. Since early 2020, there has been a great deal of unprecedented situations across the spectrum of our human experience. We often have found ourselves unable to deal with all of the bad news, and if you add grief on top of all that bad news, it can very quickly feel overwhelming.

We, as humans, each have a certain capacity for what we can deal with mentally/emotionally during each day. Let’s say, for the sake of analogy, that each day, we have a bucket that gets filled by emotions or mentally demanding situations. And when that bucket gets filled up it starts to overflow. And that’s when we often feel overwhelmed, upset, or even numb.

Some days our bucket may only reach half full – and we feel able to handle what comes our way. But when you are grieving, it can be like starting each day with the bucket 90% full. You are already dealing with the difficult emotions that grief brings, so when you add in the “normal” life emotions, your bucket starts overflowing pretty quickly.

During this pandemic, many of us already felt like our buckets were overflowing each day – so adding grief on top of that has made many people feel like they are sinking or just don’t know how to cope with all that has come their way.

Of course, the complications that come with grieving during a pandemic does not mean that it is hopeless. There are many resources that you can utilize – doctors, therapists, grief groups (online and in person where allowed), and other avenues of support can all help you through this difficult time. Please feel free to reach out if you feel like you need some extra support with your grief.

Written by Amanda Nelson, Clinical Mental Health Counselor for Memorial Mortuaries and Cemeteries

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An Update regarding COVID-19 and its impacts on funeral, burial, and memorial services

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 05:21:00 GMT

We are grateful your family has chosen to entrust your loved one into our care. The recent COVID-19 pandemic has required us to enact some adjustments to how we conduct arrangement conferences, viewings, funeral or memorial services, and other aspects of our processes. Our goal is to allow you and your family to spend as much time with your loved on as possible. Additionally, our hope is to provide your family the opportunity to still create a meaningful tribute to a life well lived that can be shared with everyone in the family and community.

Arrangement Conferences

We can and are willing to conduct in-person arrangement conferences where one of our licensed funeral directors will take the time to help your family make plans to commemorate the life of your loved while also preparing all of the necessary paperwork and details that will be needed. However, we also have invested in the ability for your family to make all of these arrangements with us virtually using a Zoom video conference. If that is something you are interested in, please discuss it with your funeral director when they contact you to set an appointment for you to meet with us. If you have loved ones from our of state that want to participate, we can also arrange for them to join the arrangement conference virtually via Zoom.

Viewings

Out of our concern for the safety of your family and all of our team members, we are adhering to current CDC guidelines and local ordinances regarding group gatherings, which currently require us to limit indoor gatherings to 10 individuals or less. We are still able to conduct a public viewing for your loved one, however, these guidelines do require that we “stagger” the viewing so that only 10 people at a time are allowed into our viewing rooms. We will ask family members and friends to wait outside as we allow 10 individuals in at a time. Additionally, we can stream the viewing to those who are unable to join in person due to illness or travel limitations.

Funeral or Memorial Services

A funeral or memorial service is a vital ceremony that allows your family to remember and honor the life of your loved one. It is a crucial step in the grieving process, and we want to make every attempt we can to ensure your family is still able to conduct a service. We can conduct an indoor service in one of our chapels or gathering rooms, where ten family members or friends will be allowed to physically attend. We can then stream the service using a Zoom video conference to all of those who wish to participate.

Cemetery Graveside Services

If your loved one is going to be interred in one of our beautiful cemeteries, we can also hold an outdoor graveside service. Current local ordinances allow us to have more than 10 people attend an outdoor service in Salt Lake County, so long as social distancing is adhered to.

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Why is a funeral so important?

Thu, 26 Sep 2019 04:00:00 GMT

Recently, an article came out highlighting the incredible relationship between a mother Orca and her baby calf, who passed away shortly after being born. The mother, Tahlequah, used her snout to keep her deceased calf afloat for 17 days and covered over 1,000 miles of ocean in the process, an unprecedented display of mourning and grief. The sojourn of Tahlequah highlights that animals, just like humans, often form intense and complex bonds with our family and friends throughout their lives. So, when a death occurs, it creates an immediate sense of loss and grief. The funeral ceremony is designed specifically to help families navigate through this grief and mourning and to help start them on the right path towards healing.

Funerals and Memorial Services are ceremonies that allow us to take a step back and reflect on a life well lived by someone that we loved. They invite us to honor those we care about most and learn more about their lives from others that knew them. When someone we cherish passes away, it is completely natural and okay to be sad and grief stricken. Tears, sadness, and even emotional outburst are all natural and healthy consequences of losing someone we loved. The funeral service and accompanying ceremonies like the viewing, the family dressing (which is when the closest family and friends come to the funeral home to help dress their loved one), and the service itself all create a respectful environment where it is safe for you to express these feelings of grief and sadness.

Taking the time to reflect on their life and impact also helps kickstart the healing process as the collective sharing of those memories cements in your heart and mind the legacy they’ve left with you, which you can go back and reflect on when the sad feeling of grief inevitably come back from time to time.

How does the funeral help with the grieving process?

The act of seeing your loved one throughout the funeral experience forces you to acknowledge the reality of their death, which is the very first step in the grieving process. The funeral is also a socially acceptable venue to express the intense feelings associated with grief, which is an important step in the grieving journey. Studies also show that taking the time to remember your loved one is an important component of grieving, which is one of the central tenants of the funeral. Additionally, the act of holding a funeral sends a signal to the community that you are open to receiving their support, which is something you will need in the immediate aftermath of the death of a loved one. And finally, the funeral or memorial service gives you the opportunity to have time to search for meaning and develop a new self-identity, which are additional components of a healthy grieving journey.

“I don’t want a funeral, just throw me in a box and have a party”?

Most people say that in an effort to be self-deprecating and humble, which isn’t a bad thing at all! However, two important things to keep in mind is that number one, someone has died. That is a devastating and life-altering event. Your spouse, kids, and grandkids are most likely not going to be wanting to throw a party over your passing! Because of that, the funeral is really for them. It’s for those surviving family members who are devastated and grieving your loss. It creates a space for them to follow the path of a healthy grieving process and to take the time to acknowledge the reality of the death, embrace the pain of the loss, remember them, develop a new self-identity, search for meaning, and receive ongoing support from others.

“I’m not religious and don’t want that incorporated into my funeral”

We will specifically design the funeral service to meet your family’s needs, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof. For those who do not align themselves with any religion, we offer many non-traditional ways to commemorate your loved ones’ life, from large outdoor services under our beautiful canopies to intimate community gatherings in our own facilities. We can also help you secure a non-traditional venue. We’ve coordinated and ran funeral services at high schools, country clubs, parks, and even hotel conference rooms in the past.

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Coping With A Terminal Illness

Tue, 07 May 2019 03:22:00 GMT

Many of us have seen a loved one struggle with a terminal diagnosis. It isn’t something we like to talk about, but many of us will also get our OWN terminal diagnosis. Having a terminal diagnosis brings its own type of grief and decisions to be made.

How do you grieve your own death before it happens? It’s something we don’t want to think about, but for many of us, it will be something we are forced to think about. After you get the diagnosis and go through the initial medical whirlwind – what’s next? Below are some ideas that might help you manage your grief over your diagnosis.

Learn What to Expect:

Getting a terminal diagnosis is obviously overwhelming. Often medical professionals get so focused on the treatment/hospice plan, that they don’t address quality of life issues.

Some questions to discuss with your team might be:

You might also want to look into support groups. Often, your doctor will have support resources for your specific diagnosis. It can help to talk to others who have been through what you are experiencing. Also, talking to a therapist can be beneficial. They can help you work through the complex set of emotions that comes with a terminal diagnosis.

What Will Death Be Like?

Initially, you may not want to know what dying will be like. Sometimes that is too much to process along with the diagnosis. But most find some peace in knowing what to expect as the time draws closer. Ask your medical or hospice team what usually happens in cases like yours. Feel free to ask about pain, cognitive changes/abilities, physical signs, etc. It can feel less scary when the mystery is somewhat removed.

Also, if you are a spiritual person, it may help to talk to a spiritual advisor or seek out books that discuss death and an afterlife.

Many people find it awkward or unnerving to have blunt conversations about death, but these conversations will be helpful for yourself and your loved ones. Chances are, you are all thinking about it anyway, so sharing your thoughts will help you navigate this overwhelming time.

Think about what YOU Want:

You will have many people around you telling you how to spend your time now. Eat this food, go travel, try this magic supplement, etc. It can be overwhelming to think about how you want to spend your time before death.

Some things to consider:

The practicalities of death:

Some of us have a good idea of what we believe happens during death, or perhaps the afterlife. Some of us have tried to give as little thought to it as possible. But it is an inevitability for all of us. And for those with a terminal diagnosis, you just have more information about your death than the average person.

And while there is the mystical/spiritual element involved in death, there is also the practical side of what death means there are some things to consider:

Often the things on this section are ignored or put off. We sometimes have the unconscious idea that if we don’t talk about death (or even make a will), then we can avoid the unpleasantness of all. In reality, it’s just passing the unpleasantness off to your loved ones for after your death. Some people will still choose to deal with it that way, but facing these issues head on will benefit your own mental health as well.

Getting a terminal diagnosis is a total shock to your system and your way of being. Sometimes you will have months or years and sometimes only weeks or days. Allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to still live during this time. And remember, we all end up in the same place in the end.

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Grief Resources for Children

Thu, 03 Jan 2019 23:51:00 GMT

I am often asked for resources for young children who have lost someone close to them. Stories are often a good way to open up dialogue with children and illustrate death in a more concrete fashion. I compiled some of my favorites for easy reference:

Books for young children (4 and under) :

When Dinosaurs Die (Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown)

We Were Going to Have a Baby but We Had an Angel Instead (Pat Schwiebert)

Sad Isn’t Bad (Michaelene Mundy)

Someone I Loved Died (Christine Harder Tangvald)

What Does Dead Mean? (Caroline Jay and Jenni Thomas)

Books for older children (4-10) :

Always Remember (Cece Meng)

Everett Anderson’s Goodbye (Lucille Clifton)

The Saddest Time (Norma Simon)

Samantha Jane’s Missing Smile: A story about coping with the loss of a parent (Julie Kaplow)

I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand: A child’s guide to grief and loss (Dr. Pat Palmer)

Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining death to young children (Doris Stickney)

The Empty Place: A child’s guide to grief (Let’s Talk) (Roberta Temes Ph.D.)

It’s also good to remember, that for young children, death isn’t inherently sad like it is for adults. They aren’t able to understand the abstract emotions and situations that adults can. Death is very simple and matter-of-fact for children, and sometimes that can be upsetting for adults when the child talks about it in that manner. Remember that it is developmentally appropriate for children to talk about death in concrete and simple terms (like telling strangers at the grocery store, “My baby brother died and that makes mom sad.”)

Usually if children are sad about death, it is because they are copying their parents or the other adults around them. They realize others are sad and so they want to be sad, too. Sometimes children will get angry because they see that their parents are less available to them while the parents are grieving. You shouldn’t hide your feelings, though. It’s good for children to see how you deal with difficult situations. It’s a good time to model appropriate emotions for your children.

Also, children learn by repetition. They may ask you over and over again what happened; they may want to talk about the death a lot. This can be upsetting for an adult, but it is the child confirming and trying to process this new information. The best thing to do is to answer them in language that makes sense to them. Asking them questions about what they think happened also helps them process the event.

Everyone is different in how they will process their grief, and children are no exception. Be patient with yourself and them while you are figuring out a new normal. And don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist or other professionals to help you in the process.

Amanda is a Clinical Mental Health Counselor, specializing in individual and family therapy for people of varying backgrounds. She works for Memorial Estates, running their Grief & Loss Counseling program.

She has extensive experience working with adolescents and families in the community. Amanda received her Master’s Degree in Educational Psychology from the University of Utah. There she focused on Multicultural and Client Centered Counseling.

Amanda started her career working for Salt Lake County Youth Services, serving families from all backgrounds and with a wide variety of issues. She further developed her passion for helping people recover and heal from trauma and loss.

In counseling, Amanda values the trust and safety of the therapeutic relationship. She creates a counseling environment full of compassion, safety, empathy, and understanding. She constantly strives to help to cultivate strong relationships and assist families to cope with the loss of a loved one. Through her open attitude, and the warm environment that she facilitates, families can begin to feel peace as they work through their bereavement.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Experiencing Grief During the Holiday Season

Wed, 14 Nov 2018 19:27:00 GMT

The holiday season is upon us again. This can be a particularly tough time to navigate if you are grieving. In fact, if you google “holidays and grief” the first result is for a depression/suicide hotline number. Obviously, there is a lot of heartache and distress if you are grieving during the holidays. So, what can you do to make it easier? Below I’ve gathered a few thoughts on ways you might deal with grief and the holidays.

Take a break.

You don’t have to put on, or participate in, all of the holiday traditions you usually do. You can skip some parties or events. It’s easy to feel overloaded when you are grieving, so don’t pressure yourself to do everything.

Location, location, location.

Maybe you want to spend the holidays in your usual location, or maybe you want to go somewhere entirely new. Maybe you want to visit the gravesite or maybe you don’t. Be cognizant of your location as you plan holiday events.

Honor your loved one.

Some ideas to honor your loved one might include: lighting a candle in their honor, “adopting” a child or family in memory of your loved one, making a memorial ornament or decoration, creating a photo table of your loved one, or donating some of your loved one’s possessions.

Get organized.

Grief makes your mind foggy and it’s easy to let things slip through the cracks. Make lists, create calendars, coordinate with others – whatever you need to do to make sure your priorities are taken care of.

Don’t “should” yourself (or let others “should” you).

It’s easy to think “I should [send out Christmas cards…attend that party…put up decorations…be happier, etc.],” but go easy on yourself and only do what you have the capacity to do. Don’t let yourself feel guilty.

Take care of yourself.

I know self-care has become a bit of a cliché these days, but it’s very important. Figure out what recharges you. A few ideas are: exercise, join a grief group, spend time in nature, make an appointment with a therapist, journal, meditate, or worship. Also, make sure you don’t overindulge in alcohol or other substances that will make your mental state worse.

Communicate.

You probably have family and friends who aren’t sure how you want to handle the holidays this year. It makes it easier if you communicate what you feel up to or don’t feel up to doing. And if you don’t know what you want yet, tell them that, too. Otherwise, you might end up with a lot of hurt feelings or miscommunication on both sides.

Seek gratitude.

Grief makes it easy to get bogged down in sadness and what we are missing. Take a moment each day to find something you are grateful for, and note it down somewhere.

Ask for help AND accept help.

Chances are you have people in your life who want to help you or have even offered. It can lift a weight off your shoulders to have some assistance with shopping, decorating, or cooking.

It’s okay to enjoy yourself and be happy.

We sometimes feel guilty for enjoying the holidays while missing someone we love; but finding happiness amidst grief is okay and normal. It doesn’t diminish how much we miss our loved one. If you find some joy and peace – enjoy it!

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Normal Grieving

Thu, 23 Aug 2018 17:12:00 GMT

Grief is unpleasant. Grief is heartbreaking. Grief is HARD.

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

But grief is also natural. We should be heartbroken when someone we love dies. We should be sad and lonely when death takes a dear friend. It doesn’t mean it’s easy to feel those emotions, but it is a normal human experience .

What does it mean to grieve normally?

The other day someone forwarded me this article, “ Bright colours at funerals are unfair to children . ” To sum up the article, Colin Brazier, a well known newscaster, lost his young wife to breast cancer. He wrote an article in the newspaper asking for people to wear black and said it was, “…unfair [to his] children to insist a funeral should mean rejoicing in a life now passed.”

His article brought up quite a bit of discussion about what was and wasn’t appropriate for grief in our current culture. While I don’t think that black is the only proper thing to wear to a funeral, I do agree that funerals have become too much of a celebration in an attempt to bypass mourning.

I see far too many clients who feel that something is wrong with them because they are going through the natural grieving process. These clients feel guilty because they are getting messages from society that they shouldn’t be sad – they should be able to celebrate and “move on.”

What do the experts say?

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, an expert in grief, says, “Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to ‘carry on’ or ‘keep your chin up.’ If, on the other hand, you remain ‘strong’ and ‘in control,’ you may be congratulated for ‘doing well’ with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.”

Of course we don’t want to feel pain, but it is what grief and mourning demands. If we try and skip the pain, we will most likely find ourselves in more pain down the road. I understand the appeal of having a “celebration of life” instead of a funeral, but I would recommend holding the celebration in conjunction with the funeral, not in lieu of a funeral.

To return to the discussion about Mr. Brazier and him wanting an appropriately sad funeral to be “fair” to his children; I do believe he is making the right choice. We want children to know it is okay to be sad when a loved one has died. Indeed, that sadness is often an expression of love and we should mourn the lives of those most dear to us.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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What Grieving People Want You to Know

Thu, 12 Jul 2018 21:16:00 GMT

At some point during our life, grief is inevitable. It is a part of the human experience. But it is also isolating, and often leaves the bereaved feeling lonely and detached from those around them.

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:
So what do you do when someone you love is grieving? It can be hard to know how to help, what to say, or what to do. Below are some things that a grieving person would like you to know.

Everyone grieves in different ways – and that’s normal.

Some might find solace in frequently visiting the gravesite, while others may never want to return to the gravesite again. Both are normal and healthy ways to grieve. Some may cry openly and some prefer to cry in private. Figuring out how you prefer to grieve is part of the process. Let your loved one know you are there to support them in how they choose to grieve.

You never “move on” from grief. You just find a new way to live.

Living with grief is, in some ways, much like living a dual life. You learn how to be sad and be happy at the same time. You learn how to go forward with new memories, but still need to fiercely protect the past memories. Even the most joyous occasions will always have sadness in them. That is life with grief, and often that doesn’t change with time.

You might not know the right thing to say, but you should say something .

Especially with an unexpected or particularly tragic death, we often don’t know what to say to the bereaved. We feel that no matter what we say, it won’t be right or comforting – so we say nothing. A grieving person wants to hear that you are thinking about them and you remember their loved one. They know you can’t fix it, but they need to know you care.

The stages of grief are a myth (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance).

It’s sometimes nice to think about grief as an experience that follows the five stages and then there is resolution. But that’s not how grief works in real life. Grief feels more like being tossed over a waterfall into a deep pool of mixed emotions. Sometimes you might feel all the emotions and then feel numb. There isn’t a linear way to work through grief, and the bereaved often bounce back and forth between a myriad of emotions (including positive ones). It’s frustrating when loved ones expect you to grieve according the “stages” and wonder why you might be “stuck.”

And, when all else fails, ask your loved one what support they need and how you can be there for them. They will appreciate knowing you are there for them.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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The Healing Power of a Funeral or Memorial Service

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 21:40:00 GMT

Many people today choose to avoid holding a funeral or memorial service. At Memorial we have served tens of thousands of families over the years. These families come from all walks of life and we’ve had the chance to hear their stories. From our experience, we have grown to believe that a funeral or memorial service is fundamentally important in the grieving and healing process. Here’s why:

A funeral allows for a time for you to receive support from extended family and your community in a safe setting where you can be open and raw with your feelings.

A network of support is crucial in the immediate aftermath of a death of a loved one. Studies show that expressing your grief and mourning in an outwardly manner is important to the healing process. Oftentimes, there is a stigma surrounding a crying, mourning individual when its not in the “funeral” setting that makes people feel like they can’t be honest with their feelings. A funeral or memorial service provides an opportunity for you to openly grieve in a safe space where you have the support of your family, friends, and community members.

A funeral or memorial service is a unique opportunity to honor and remember the life of your loved one. Sharing memories and experiences helps us create a lasting legacy and tribute of our loved ones.

Have you ever heard a loved one in your life say something along these lines at some point, “I don’t need a fancy funeral. Just put me in a pine box or an urn”? Or, have you said the same thing about yourself to your spouse or children? It’s very natural for us to be somewhat dismissive about our own funerals. But, the reality is, when it’s our spouse, child, parent, or grandparent who has just passed away do we really believe their life and how it impacted us was so insignificant?

A funeral or memorial service’s purpose is to help us create one last tribute to honor the lives of those we love so much. It allows us to record our memories and experiences and create one last tribute to a life well lived. We also learn more about their life as extended family and friends come and share their own experiences. We as funeral professionals have received feedback from so many families where they tell us, “I would have never learned so much about my loved one if we hadn’t held a funeral” or “It felt so good to honor Dad this way”.

A funeral or memorial service allows you to openly express your feelings and acknowledge the reality of death.

One of life’s greatest tragedies is that our loved ones get taken from us on this Earth. However, it is to our detriment to shy away or try to ignore that reality. In fact, studies show the avoidance of grief and the inability to acknowledge the reality of death can lead to what is known as delayed or complicated grief. Delayed or complicated grief can affect individuals for years, even decades. A funeral or memorial service creates a safe venue for individuals to acknowledge the reality of death and openly express their feelings. This is one of the most crucial steps in the grief reconciliation process.

We at Memorial are here to guide you through each step of the process. If you have any questions about funerals or memorial services feel free to visit our website at www.memorialutah.com or give us a call at 801-262-4631.

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Grief Writing

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 20:52:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

You may want to create rituals around your writing. Some people write the same time every day or light candles before they begin.

You can look at your writings as a container for your grief. Some people write letters and leave them at their loved one’s grave; others throw away or burn their writings; some share their writings, but most keep them private. There is no wrong way to write about grief.

Below are some prompts that might give you a place to start writing if you are unsure how to begin.

How did your loved one die?

If you could talk to your loved one again, what would you tell them?

Write about a joyful memory with your deceased loved one.

I wish I had told you…

Write a letter to your loved one.

Write a letter to your past or future self.

My grief today looks like…My grief today looks like….

These are just a few ideas to get you started, but you can write about anything that comes to your mind. You might want to start with 5-10 minutes a day and then find an amount of time that feels comfortable for you. I hope writing can bring you peace in your grief journey.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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“What can help me feel better?”

Mon, 26 Mar 2018 17:09:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

As a grief counselor the question I get asked most from grieving people is, “What can help me feel better?” My answer is, “You need to mourn.” That answer might be confusing to some, so I will explain.

Grief is our internal experience. Mourning is the shared response to loss.

We will always grieve for those we love, but many of us try to avoid mourning. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a grief expert, outlines the central needs of mourning:

Acknowledge the reality of the death

Embrace the pain of the loss

Remember the person who died

Develop a new self-identity

Search for meaning

Receive ongoing support now and always

Each of these tasks will require a great deal of time, effort, and emotions. It often seems easier to not mourn, to hide away the pain we are feeling. Mourning is hard work – don’t confuse what’s easier with what’s more effective .

But if you put in the work and allow yourself to feel the pain, you will eventually find more peace and comfort for your soul. As John Donne once said, “He who has no time to mourn, has no time to heal.”

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Do funerals help grief?

Wed, 27 Dec 2017 17:36:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuaries & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

Funerals have been around since the dawn of time. More recently, people prefer to call a funeral a Celebration of Life but, in essence, they are the same thing. Sometimes when faced with planning a funeral, we wonder if the funeral is really something “necessary” to do in the wake of a death.

It might be odd, but I have found many funerals to be life affirming. My grandmother was sick most of my childhood and I never got to know her very well. Upon her death, her children arranged her funeral. I learned so much about my grandmother that I never knew before – her sense of humor, her stubbornness, and her drive were portrayed so well at her funeral. It instilled a greater appreciation for my grandmother and the life she led.

Although I had heard stories about my grandmother my whole life, there was something different about the funeral. There was a more complete picture of her life given throughout the event. Even now I look upon her funeral with fondness, and I feel a greater connection to her from celebrating her life in that manner.

Sometimes we aren’t sure if we want to have a funeral – either for ourselves or for our loved ones. But I believe funerals are beneficial in a variety of ways:

Throughout my work as a grief counselor, I have found it is very rare for someone to regret having a funeral, but it is common for loved ones to regret not having a funeral or celebration. It gives us space and an outlet for our grief that we may otherwise not have.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Fives Ways to Help a Grieving Person During the Holidays

Thu, 02 Nov 2017 16:18:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuaries & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

Holidays tend to be an exciting and fun time of year. We have lots of gatherings, gift giving, and general warm feelings. But when you are grieving, the holidays can bring up a whole new element to your grief.

If you love someone who is grieving this holiday season, here are five ways you can help them:

1. Acknowledge their ambivalence about celebrating the holidays. Holidays tend to be laden with tradition and memories. While it can be nice to remember the good times, it can be make the bereaved feel their loved one’s absence more acutely.

2. Invite them to celebrations and parties, even if they decline to come. Relationships change after a death, sometimes we feel awkward or don’t know how to act around someone who is grieving. But no one wants to be treated like an outsider because of their grief.

3. Bring up their deceased loved one. You won’t make them sad, they are always thinking about their loved one. They love to hear other people’s memories and thoughts about their loved one.

4. Help them create new traditions around their grief. You might visit the grave together or do some service in honor of their loved one.

5. Connect with them. It can be a phone call, a special treat left on their doorstep, or taking them out for an activity. Grieving people will appreciate your thoughts and efforts to reach out during a difficult time.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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How do I talk to a child about a death?

Mon, 25 Sep 2017 20:02:00 GMT

Talking to a child about death can be very uncomfortable for many of us. We aren’t sure what words to use, and we certainly don’t want to do it the “wrong way” and create problems for the child.

Below are some ideas that might guide you in telling a child that someone they loved has died:

Depending on the age of the child, it is not unusual for a child to respond more to the unavailability of family members (if their parents are grieving, for example), than to the death itself.

One common thought we have regarding children and death, is that the child will benefit from not thinking about grief, or “putting it out of their mind.” This is incorrect. Children need to process grief, and it will be different than how an adult grieves.

Tips on helping a child with grief:

Children process grief differently than adults. They take breaks from grief and play and have fun. This is normal and should be encouraged. Like adults, grief may be a long-term companion for a child and it may ebb and flow throughout the years.

Give children helpful ways to express their feelings – writing, exercise, pounding clay, painting, singing, etc. Remember anger is a natural response to grief and that may be manifested through play.

Grief is a natural and normal part of life, and grief responses in general are not a cause for concern. Of course, there are times that a child’s grief response might become worrisome. Below we have listed a few signs that might help you determine if you want to seek more help for your child.

Red flags:

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5 Things I Didn’t Know About Grief

Fri, 16 Jun 2017 22:38:00 GMT

1. Grief is physical. A grieving person will often feel completely exhausted. It is physically hard to get out of bed. They might feel weak. A previous work out they were able to do easily might be physically impossible during their grief – especially the beginning of grief. You can also notice physical changes in people – how they hold themselves, their skin, their eyes. Grief can be very hard on the body.

2. Grief plays tricks with your mind. I’ve had many clients who have had themselves checked for dementia or other neurological problems while they were grieving. It is very common to forget how to do some tasks and even more common to forget appointments, grocery lists, or other events. Many times my clients describe their mind as feeling “fuzzy” or “clouded” while they are actively grieving.

3. You never stop feeling the pain of grief. I had assumed that at some point it stops hurting when you lose someone – like with a broken bone, that grief heals at some point. But that isn’t the case, it never stops hurting. We just learn how to live with the pain and we learn how to deal with that pain more effectively. As with any task we undertake, we get better at it with practice. Of course, we’d rather not practice grief, but we have no choice.

4. Grief is different for everyone. While there are many commonalities that grieving people share, how grief impacts you, and how you best deal with it, is unique to you. Some people find a great deal of comfort going to their loved one’s gravesite and go as often as possible; some people never go back to the gravesite because it’s too painful. Some people want to take down all the pictures and reminders of their loved one down; some people want to put more pictures up. Any of those reactions can be healthy and normal – it just depends on what makes your grief easier to manage.

5. Grief changes you, especially deep grief. You might become a different person. You might be more empathic; you might become more closed off; you might find yourself taking more or less risks; you might become more patient or you might become more impatient. You won’t be able to guess what grief will do to you, but it will change the way you interact with others and the way you interact with yourself. Very often my clients find that going through grief changes their identity, and sometimes it can be a long process to learn who they have become.

If you have any questions or concerns about grief, please feel free to reach out to Memorial’s grief therapist, Amanda Nelsen, CMHC, at 801-718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com .

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The Grief Bucket

Tue, 18 Apr 2017 02:53:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuaries & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:
Why is grief so hard to handle? It is a fact of life that we all will die. We go into a marriage knowing that there is about a 50/50 chance that your spouse will die before you. We know there are frequent tragedies where parents outlive their children. We expect to bury our grandparents and parents at some point in our lifetime.

So, with knowing, or expecting, all of those things, why can it be so hard to deal with grief when death finally arrives?

Of course a traumatic or sudden death carries it’s own set of emotional baggage, but “expected” or “natural” deaths can also be extremely difficult to process and heal from.

Losing someone we love is rarely easy. Grief is a demanding and overwhelming process. Normally each of us has a pretty large capacity to deal with stress and hard things in life. I like to compare that emotional capacity to a bucket. As we go throughout our day, stressful or emotionally difficult things cross our path; and they each add more to our bucket. Some things might add a few drops to our bucket, others might add a few cups.

We deal with the stuff in our bucket in various ways – many times we just need a good night’s rest to drain some of that tough stuff out of our bucket. Many things help drain our bucket – exercising, socializing, or other hobbies that we enjoy and help us cope.

And because that grief tar is so sticky, it takes a lot longer to drain it out of your bucket than your normal every day stresses. Using our typical coping mechanisms will help, but people often find themselves frustrated when they wake up and their bucket still seems as full as it was the day before.

Draining all that tar can be a long, messy, and exhausting process. We might compare our grief to others and wonder why our tar seems extra thick and sticky. Or we might think we’ve got it all drained only to have it come back over and over. But there is hope. As unpleasant as grief is, is it a natural emotion to experience. We just might to be a bit gentler with ourselves (and each other) when we realize just how full our bucket really is.

If you, or someone you know, would like some extra help with dealing with your grief, please feel free to reach out to Memorial Mortuaries Grief Counseling therapist – 801-718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com .

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Prolonged Grief

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 20:18:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuaries & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

The mental health field used to diagnose something called “complicated grief.” This diagnosis assumed there would be a time period of a couple months where the bereaved would have serious impairments in their functioning, but beyond that time period, the bereaved should be able to function. In more recent years, it has become commonly accepted that a “typical” grieving period is more along the lines of 1-2 years. This, along with some other issues, led to “complicated grief” no longer being a diagnostic option.

So what does it mean when you feel totally impaired by your grief, months, and even years, after a death? This problem is often called Prolong Grief. Prolonged grief is different from depression, anxiety, and “normal” grief (even though there are some overlap). The hallmarks of Prolonged Grief are how persistent, intense, life altering, and disabling the grief is. It also threatens the survivor’s self of self-worth and their identity. (Frances, A. (2012, February 28). When Good Grief Goes Bad. The Huffington Post.)

The mental health field has been debating the idea of Prolonged Grief for several years now. It ultimately was not included in the most recent edition of the diagnostic manual mental health professionals use (DSM 5). But many mental health providers are still advocating for its inclusion in the revision, as it’s widely believed about 10-20% of bereaved individuals end up with Prolonged Grief.

If you suspect you have Prolonged Grief, it is best to consult with a specialist who has worked with Prolonged Grief before. It has a unique profile and responds best to a treatment course that is different from managing typical grief.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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How to Write an Obituary

Mon, 31 Oct 2016 15:46:00 GMT

Why was this never covered in English class?

The first section of the obituary is the announcement of death. Begin with the name, age, and place of residence of your loved one and then follow with the time and place of death. Some people choose to include the method of death as well, but that depends on your own comfort level. If you want to avoid blunt words like ‘died’, there are many other alternatives: ‘passed away’, ‘went to be with the Lord’, ‘is resting peacefully’, or ‘has left us’.

The next step to writing an obituary is sketching out the life of the deceased, highlighting accomplishments, notable experiences, and special endeavors. The most universally important milestones to include would be date and place of birth, parents’ names, date of marriage, name of spouse, education, work, children, and grandchildren. Feel free to omit information if you feel that it’s unnecessary or awkward. Though it may be easier to write in chronological order, it may read better if the most important and impressive information is near the beginning.

Once you get started, the difficult question becomes: how do I select what is most important and most interesting for others to read? You should include significant achievements and contributions, but in as few words as possible. A long list of honors and awards is not as interesting as unique passions and priorities.

Beware of falling into the “list” pattern. If you feel like the obituary needs something to break up the monotony, add a piece of nostalgia in there. What was a humorous experience your loved one had? Did they have a favorite sports team? A quirky habit? A favorite joke or catch phrase? Were they a social person or someone who preferred to be alone? Did they take a special interest in something unique?

At this point it is essential that you consider all the family who is left grieving the deceased, and the relatives who have preceded them in death. It may be tiresome and confusing to include this section of relatives, but remember that the obituary is for the living, too. List parents, spouse(s), siblings and children by name. Some families choose to include daughters- and sons-in-law. Grandchildren are often numbered, as are great-grandchildren. Cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews are commonly left out unless they were particularly close with the deceased.

To conclude the obituary, name the place, time and date of the service, along with the name of the officiant. Include the name, date and time of the burial or interment, and any memorial services to be held.

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Taking Photos of a Funeral

Mon, 03 Oct 2016 22:33:00 GMT

Let’s talk about photographic ethics.

If you are attending a funeral as a guest, my first and foremost advice is to ask questions. Photos of the event may be important keepsakes to you, but it is wise to ask the host for permission before you snap pictures left and right. Remember that a funeral is a sensitive time for many people and offense could be taken if questions are not asked. Just approach your host and explain that you would like to take photos of the guests, the decorations, even the body if that is important to you. If they feel uncomfortable, they will ask you to refrain from photography, and if they allow you to take pictures, you will feel freedom to do so with the ease of permission.

There are some cultures and religions that prohibit the taking of pictures, especially of a dead body. The best way to know of these restrictions is to ask your host. Some of the guests may feel uncomfortable being photographed as well, especially when emotions are running high and some people may be crying. Remember my advice: ask questions. Approach a table of guests with your camera and ask, “would anyone mind of I took a photo of your table?” This is simply a polite way to make your intentions known and ask for permission. The likelihood that you will be turned down is minimal, and everyone will feel comfortable being in a photo if they previously agreed to it.

What about the burial service?

A burial service provides for some great aesthetic opportunities for photography. Pictures of the pall bearers marching the casket to the plot, the guests gathered around the grave, a flag ceremony or servicemen performing “Taps.” These photos could be beautiful reminders of a lovely service that many people worked hard to put together. If you’ve been given permission, I would encourage you to focus your lens specifically on the burial proceedings. A word of caution, however: the burial is often the most emotional part for friends and family members of the deceased. Be sensitive and aware of their feelings before you take pictures of them during this time. They may want to look back on the ceremony and the support of the burial services, but the emotions they were feeling in that moment may be too painful to relive in a close-up photograph of their face.

In summary, always ask for permission before you photograph a funeral and be sensitive to those who are in attendance. Pictures can be a beautiful keepsake and a lovely gift, but only if they are acquired in the appropriate fashion.

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Wearing Black to a Funeral

Thu, 01 Sep 2016 15:00:00 GMT

How did the tradition start?

The tradition of wearing dark, plain clothing as a sign of mourning dates back to at least the Roman Empire, when dark togas were worn to symbolize grief and distress. However, during the Medieval period, white was the color of mourning in many places, including Spain and the Orient. This is still true in India, China and most African countries. The expectation of black clothing is predominantly a Western tradition. In England throughout medieval times, women were expected to wear black caps and veils when their husbands passed away. This continued through the 19 ^th century as the cultural expectation. In fact, up until the mid-20 ^th century, in many places it was seen as an affront if a widow or close family member wore anything BUT black for a pre-determined amount of time.

Is it still expected today?

In the United States, the expectations vary by region. Generally, it is expected that one dresses up for a funeral—men should avoid wearing jeans, T-shirts, sweats or any other clothing considered “casual.” Women should wear a skirt, dress, or nice pants and avoid strapless or revealing attire. A good rule of thumb is to dress as you would at church or a job interview. Proper dress is a show of respect to the deceased and the grieving family. Outside of general guidelines, expectations are culturally-based. In the south, modest, dark funeral attire is usually expected. The mid-western United States tends to be more casual. In the east the expectation may be more formal dress but less strict in color scheme.

What if I don’t want people wearing black to my funeral?

It is not uncommon for funerals to have “themes,” like a party would have. I have heard of funeral invitations that ask guests to wear all pink—one funeral encouraged guests to wear Hawaiian shirts! If you have specific guidelines such as these, now is the time to sit down with your funeral director and assemble your pre-need funeral plans. Most people assume that dark colors and plain clothing is appropriate for funerals, so unless you specify otherwise, that’s probably what you can expect. Make your wishes known by planning your own service ahead of time!

A few final thoughts.

Remember, if you’re attending a funeral and not sure what to wear, go with the safe choice: dark, church-appropriate clothing that your grandmother would approve of. Wear comfortable shoes, as you may be standing for long periods of time and walking around a cemetery. Take the weather into consideration—burial services are outside, whether rain, shine, or snow. If you are trying to look respectful, you will fit right in with everyone else.

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A New Way of Living

Wed, 17 Aug 2016 14:00:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

The other day I came across a poem that really spoke to me about grief. I want to share it with you all because I think it encapsulates the experience of grief so well.

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I’m learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself-

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self

By Gwen Flowers

There is no “other side” to grief. There is just a new way of living.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Thinking About a Memorial Fund?

Wed, 03 Aug 2016 21:37:00 GMT

Are you thinking about a setting up a memorial fund in order to honor your loved one who has passed away? Memorial funds are a lovely way to show your continuing support to the family of the deceased. Memorial funds are most commonly set up for families who have lost members unexpectedly or tragically.

When Is a Memorial Fund a Good Idea?

In the event of the death of a breadwinner, a memorial fund can help alleviate the financial stress of family members while they piece together their lives again. Sometimes the best thing to do to share your condolences and really show how much you care is to invest in the future of those who are most deeply affected by the tragedy. Funerals and burials are hectic and full of people showing their support, but what about after the funeral is over? A memorial fund is a great way to continue that attitude of support even after the ceremonies are through.

Many times memorial funds are helpful to families who are left with overwhelming medical bills. When a child or parent has a terminal illness or condition and then passes away, their loved ones are left mourning and buried in expenses they may not be able to pay. Though flowers and phone calls are a kind way to show you care, what these families really need is assistance. Financial debts, especially medical bills, can cause intense stress and anxiety—on top of the depression of losing a loved one. A memorial fund set up in the name of the deceased can relieve much of that stress and anxiety and help the family move past their tragedy at a normal pace.

It is also possible to set up a memorial fund in someone’s name but for a charitable cause. Starting a fund that promotes a quality of the deceased’s personality or furthers a cause they believed in is a beautiful way to honor their memory. A memorial fund can be used as a scholarship, to help fund research for a cure (perhaps for a disease from which the deceased suffered), or to create a tribute piece like a bench or monument in their name.

How Do I Set Up a Memorial Fund?

There are many resources that can be found online with detailed instructions on how to set up a fund through a website. This is probably the most convenient way to start a memorial fund since everyone has access to the internet these days. The best time to set up this memorial fund is before the funeral services. This way, people can donate to the fund before and during the services in lieu of flowers or other tributes.

If you’re considering honoring a loved one by setting up a memorial fund, do some further research on trusted sites like these:

https://www.youcaring.com/how-to-start-a-memorial-fund

http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/how-do-i-start-a-memorial-fund

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Using Art to Help You Through Grief

Thu, 14 Jul 2016 14:00:00 GMT

As we journey through grief after the loss of a loved one, we find coping mechanisms that help us through the day-to-day. Art, music and other outlets work as a catharsis for powerful emotions—they help us explore our feelings in a safe and positive way. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and buried by grief, here are a few creative techniques that can help you take control of your emotions.

Visual Arts

Visual arts like painting, sketching and coloring (yes, even in coloring books!) help exercise creative areas of the right side of your brain. No matter your skill level, experimenting in this way strengthens parts of your brain that often go unused. These types of creative arts help us express strong emotions that we often ignore or repress. Art is the opposite of repression—it’s expression. Your painting can be abstract, it can be a portrait, it can be a splatter painting of every color in the rainbow: the result is not the point of expressive exercise. Give your brain a break and focus on something new and aesthetic instead of dwelling on the painful grief that you hold.

Music

Whether or not you play a musical instrument doesn’t prevent you from having a cathartic experience with music. Musical arts can be moving and emotional, they help us step away from ourselves and they give us new perspectives. If you are grieving, if you are mourning, if you are suffering in any way, try using music as a temporary escape from the difficulties of your life. Just listening to the radio during your commute may not be enough—attend an opera or symphony, put headphones on and close your eyes, take time to isolate yourself and play an instrument. What we hear in music often reflects how we feel inside. Music helps us discover the truth about ourselves and our emotions, and it can be a powerful distraction from grief.

Writing

Writing is an art form that is not for everyone, but you may be surprised how your words flow once you get started. If you don’t consider yourself a writer but you’re looking for an outlet to help you through your grief, try journaling or recording your thoughts for 10 minutes every day. If you find that hard to swallow, experiment with a “word-dump”: sit down with a blank piece of paper and just spew out words that don’t make any sense. Your thoughts, the sounds around you, what you ate for breakfast, it doesn’t matter. Practicing in this way helps your mind settle on a creative task. You may even write something worthwhile, something that sheds light on your emotions and helps you move past grief.

Art helps us heal. Creation and expression are healthy and necessary if we are to move past grief and sorrow. Don’t take my word for it; do some experimenting on your own—you won’t regret it.

“Art making has the ability to move people along their journey of grief and loss into a more balanced place of healing and hope. In the face of tragedy, the creative process can help recalibrate a mourner’s life.” ~ The Chandler Gallery at Maud Morgan Arts

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What Funeral Flowers Symbolize

Mon, 13 Jun 2016 17:39:00 GMT

A traditional way to show one’s love and share condolences is to send flowers. Types of flowers symbolize different emotions and expressions. What are you really saying with your floral arrangements?

Common Funeral Flowers

Lilies: Lily arrangements are probably the most common funeral flower. Lilies in general represent purity and innocence, and white lilies especially symbolize the purity of the human soul that has departed. Lilies have large, lovely blooms that smell strongly. Their open faces evoke the openness of the innocent child, and their scent is sweet and fresh like a clean spring day. All lilies are an excellent choice for funeral flowers, but the White Stargazer Lilies specifically represent sympathy and purity of concern.

Roses: As we know from sonnets, soap operas and years of Valentine’s Days, roses are the best flowers to symbolize love. The red rose is most often associated with romantic love, but it actually symbolizes respect and courage as well. Red roses are a staple item that brighten up many floral arrangements, and they’re usually inexpensive. A single red rose in a flower arrangement stands for unending love for the deceased, a courageous and enduring statement of powerful emotion. If you are looking to send roses but don’t want any romantic associations, you still have a wide selection! Yellow roses mean friendship and happiness in relationships. Pink roses represent a more familial love, as well as grace and appreciation (an excellent choice for mothers, aunts, and teachers). Finally, white roses evoke humility and meekness as well as purity and innocence.

Carnations: Carnations are very popular because they come in such a wide variety of colors and can be very inexpensive. Carnations are also a good filler flower for mixed arrangements, and are often paired with lilies and baby’s breath. The symbolic element of a carnation has to do with affection. They are a sweet, long lasting flower worn often in lapels and garland crowns. Specific meaning is usually tied to its color: red for admiration, purple for change, pink for remembrance, white for sweetness, and yellow for friendship. Historically, carnations have been used to communicate, usually in romantic ways. A solid color means “yes,” and a striped carnation means “no.”

Gladioli: Gladiolus make beautiful arrangements and give height and depth to funeral flowerscapes. A gladioli is tall and straight, an elegant and powerful plant that can produce forward-facing flowers up a spike of up to four feet. Appropriately, the gladiolus represents strength of character and faithfulness. In funeral arrangements the gladiolus flower symbolizes remembrance and admiration. The colors of this flower are bold and bright and they range from salmon pink to blue.

Less Common Flowers with Beautiful Meanings

Peonies: Peonies are a beautiful, layered flower that blooms in spring and are common wedding flowers because they represent a long, happy marriage and good fortune.

Sunflowers: Sunflowers are tough, durable plants that grow in some places as weeds. They symbolize a commitment to weather all storms together and emerge victorious on the other side. They are strength and endurance and well as hope for a better future.

Marigolds: As per the Victorian tradition, Marigolds represent grief and mourning. They also communicate despair over the loss of love. Marigolds are also tied to the sun because of their brilliant yellow-orange color.

No matter what flowers you pick to send as your condolences, to populate a loved one’s funeral, or as you plan your own arrangements in advance, your message of caring and concern will ring loud and clear. To learn more about specific flowers, visit http://www.flowermeaning.com/ to select your perfect symbol and meaning.

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A Country Celebrates Memorial Day

Thu, 26 May 2016 18:40:00 GMT

It’s Memorial Day weekend—for many people, the first holiday of the summer season. Families across the country will take the holiday as a chance to relax and spend time with one another. As we celebrate, let’s remember what the federal holiday is really about, and where it came from.

What is Memorial Day about?

Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday where we have an opportunity to pay tribute to our loved ones who have passed on. It is a day of recognition of both life and death, a day when we mourn and celebrate. Many people take the opportunity to visit the gravesites of their family members and friends. Others use the day as a chance to celebrate national pride, and special thanks are given to our troops and veterans who have died in service of their country.

When did Memorial Day start?

The last Monday in May became Decoration Day right after the Civil War to recognize the many men who had fallen in battle. On the first Decoration Day, May 30, 1868, General James Garfield spoke at Arlington National Cemetery. After the speech, 5,000 participants decorated the graves of the 20,000 Union and Confederate soldiers buried there.

In 1966, President Lyndon Johnson declared Waterloo, N.Y., the “birthplace” of Memorial Day. The day was officially made a federal holiday in 1971, and was dubbed “Memorial Day” with the Congressional Passage of the National Holiday Act. It is important to recognize that Memorial Day is different from Veterans Day in November, which recognizes all those who have served their country. Memorial Day honors those who have laid down their lives in the service of the United States.

What are some common Memorial Day traditions?

On the first Decoration Day in 1868, small American flags were placed on each grave in Arlington National Cemetery— a tradition followed at many national cemeteries today. In recent years, the custom has grown in many families to decorate the graves of all departed loved ones.

Since the year 2000, people across the United States hold a national moment of remembrance. At 3:00 pm local time on the last Monday in May, people across the U.S. observe a moment of silence to honor those who have died in the service of our country. Many local events and households play “taps,” prayers are uttered, and American flags are flown at half-mast to demonstrate a demeanor of mourning.

Another Memorial Day tradition is the wearing of poppies. In 1915, Moina Michael wrote this poem :

Michael began selling poppies to her friends and co-workers to wear on Memorial Day to recognize those who died serving the country. This effort grew year by year, and eventually Michael sold the poppies to raise money for war-orphaned children and widowed women. Wearing poppies, laying them on graves and using them as decoration is still a prominent Memorial Day tradition.

However you choose to celebrate this Monday, take some time to reflect and appreciate the brave men and women who serve our country, especially those who have lost their lives in so doing.

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The Myth of the Stages of Grief

Tue, 17 May 2016 16:35:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

Even if you haven’t dealt with a great grief in your life, you are probably familiar with what’s popularly known as the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were first published in On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. They are often used as a guide to see if your grief is “normal” or not.

But what you may not know, is that Ms. Kübler-Ross never intended for her stages to be used as a study on grief. In fact, her book is largely focused on anecdotal conversations between doctors and their terminally ill patients – so they focus more on people who are dying, not those who are grieving a loved one. She also gave many warnings her in book that these “stages” are not complete, often overlap, occur together, or are revisited.

So often these stages are used because we want a way to quantify and simplify our grief. If we know we have five stages of grief, we have hope that grief can be like a “to do” list – easy to check off and eventually complete. But grief does not work that way. Every death and every grief is unique. Researchers have spent countless hours (and dollars) trying to find a template for grief, but it has been for naught. We each have to find our own path, our own way, through grief.

That’s not to say that information about stages or phases of grief aren’t useful. You may find books and articles that resonate with your own experience and help you work through your grief. But you should not despair if you read about another’s experience and it’s nothing like your own. Chances are, the way you are dealing with your grief is normal. And if you keep working through it in your own way, you’ll eventually find some peace.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Five Ways Grief has Made Me Socially Awkward

Thu, 14 Apr 2016 19:36:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

I find I am much more socially awkward than I was before. Below are five ways that grief has changed how I operate in social situations.

1. I don't know what to say around people anymore.

People are talking about entertainment and current events and their lives. I don’t know what’s been going on outside of my grief world. I want to participate in conversation, but I just can’t. But I’ll listen and hopefully one day I’ll catch up enough to join in regular conversation again.

2. People don't know what to say to me, either.

Do they talk about my deceased loved one? Do they not? Are they going to make me sad? What if they make me cry? To those who wonder – you won’t make me sad – I’m already sad. And please – please! – bring up my loved one. I love knowing they aren’t forgotten.

3. My mind is foggy.

I had no idea grief would make me feel like I have dementia. I can’t remember if I locked my front door, let alone what time we said we’d meet for dinner. I use post-it notes and my phone to help me, but sometimes I still don’t know what’s going on. And that also might mean I forget important details about your life, too. It’s not intentional, I promise.

4. I get overwhelmed easily.

I used to love spending time with friends and family. I loved planning and helping with gatherings. But now the thought of a big social event leaves me tired. I know it might seem like I should be able to manage these things, but my mind is exhausted from grieving. People tell me this will get better, but it hasn’t yet. I may not be able to make it to your event, but it’s not because I don’t care about you.

5. Even when I am having fun, I am still grieving.

I still miss my loved one. I still wish he were here with me. I think about how much he would enjoy the activity and conversation. I think about what he would order. Or what we would talk about on the way home. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be social, but grief is my new clingy companion.

One day, perhaps a long time from now, I am sure I will re-integrate into society again. I will (hopefully) feel normal again. I will enjoy social gatherings and entertainment more fully. But for now, please be patient with me (and the social awkwardness grief brought me).

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Stories of Grief: “At least”

Tue, 22 Mar 2016 15:00:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

When he was alive, he was a vibrant man. He constantly had a smile on his face and was ready with a quick joke. He had the biggest heart and made everyone feel loved. He fixed us mini-malts for dessert and fed the dog coffee-dipped bacon. He took daily long walks, ate handfuls of vitamins and supplements, and made his own juice at 5 am. He was so full of life.

And we had to watch that life slowly drain from him. His daily walks got shorter and shorter. And then the stopped – his body too weak to even get up from his bed. Then he had problems swallowing his vitamins – and soon he couldn’t even drink his juice. His bright eyes dimmed and his quick smile faded away months before he actually died.

We watched his body waste away as it was being wracked with pain and disease. There was nothing we could do to offer him comfort. Family members sat with him; we hoped he knew we were there, but not being able to do anything for him broke our hearts. But we went back, day after day, to break our hearts again.

I suppose you could say his passing was peaceful. At least that’s what we’ve told ourselves. When your body finally gives up, when it succumbs to the pain and starvation, hopefully you aren’t aware and you are at peace. We hope he was.

So, yes, dear friends, “at least” I got to say good-bye to my loved one. I knew his death was coming for months and months. I watched death come slowly (even though in hindsight it seems like it happened so fast). And “at least” I was there. But when it comes to death, “at least” is not as comforting as you might think. All deaths are hard. All deaths break our hearts, no matter how we experience them.

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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How to Help Those Who are Grieving

Thu, 11 Feb 2016 16:45:00 GMT

As a grief therapist, I often get calls from people asking how they can help someone as they go through the grieving process. As we all know, it’s very individual, but there are some general things that most everyone appreciates.

First and foremost – LISTEN. That’s what most people want. They don’t want to hear reassurances or a story about someone who has been through something similar. They just want to be able to talk without judgment or advice. And this isn’t only when grief is new – it’s for long-term grief, as well.

Second – BE THERE. Be there when they are sad, and be there when they are happy. Be there when death has just occurred and be there years later when they are still grieving. Many times people are surrounded by loved ones in the aftermath of a death, but months and years later, they are left feeling alone and they need others to reach out.

Third – DON’T IGNORE the death. Sometimes we don’t know what to say, and that’s okay. But ignoring the topic makes them feel like their loved one didn’t matter – or that they are the only ones who remember. You won’t make them sad by bringing it up – they are sad already. At least when the death is talked about, they can feel open about what they are going through in the moment.

Fourth – REMEMBER. Remember important dates or anniversaries. A simple call, text, email, or card can make such a difference. It helps to know others remember and are thinking about them on those difficult days.

And finally, ASK and OFFER. If you aren’t sure what might be helpful for your loved one, simply ask them. They may not know the answer, but by asking, they know you want to help them. Also, you can offer to run errands, pick up dinner, watch children, go to a movie, or a variety of other things you think might be helpful.

There is no one right way to help someone who is grieving, but if you are empathic and try your best, it will be appreciated by your loved one in a very dark time.

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Stories of Grief: Earth-Shattering

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 22:24:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

Have you ever made stained glass before? A while ago, I took a class, where we made beautiful stained glass mosaics from bits of old bottles. We shattered those ugly bottles first. Then we painstakingly picked through shards of glass and arranged them. Then we melted them. Sometimes the melting process mixed the glass in ways I didn’t like. But I love it still the same.

I think my grief has been a bit like making stained glass. It all started by my whole world being shattered. I know I have used that word before – shattered – but the day he died, my world actually shattered. I looked around me and I saw my life in pieces. Literal pieces.

There were the fragments of the future I saw him in. Shards of the plans he had made for himself. As I tried to walk forward, the pieces of the happiness I had taken for granted crunched under my feet.

Every night I would sit and examine the slivers of life that were piled around me. With each of those slivers piercing me, how could I ever enjoy life again? The pain of moving one inch was too much. Each of the shattered pieces pained me to my core.

There was no way I could ever begin to sort through those pieces. And what would I do when I did sort through them? I didn’t want to throw them away – to move on from the pieces. They hold my happiness, my hopes, my love. So, there I sat, surrounded by the broken pieces of my life. Paralyzed in grief.

My past was the only place that felt whole to me. I wanted to live there – in the past – where he was alive. But I wasn’t allowed to do that. I had to face the present and the future.

I wish I had grand words of advice about how I have done that. But, to be honest, I don’t even know. Each day I simply got up and allowed the pain to wash over me. Each day I would look at my shattered life, and I would find some pieces to work with – to smooth the sharp edges and find a place for them to melt into my new existence.

My life was too shattered to glue it back together how it was, but sometimes I think that I am making a pretty nice stained glass mosaic with the pieces I have left. I am gently combining the sharp, beautiful, pieces of the past with the pieces of the present I am still working on.

It’s not the life I had imagined for myself – but then again, I suppose our lives rarely are. I am working on being grateful that I was given the gift of having him in my life, even for a short while. My life was made more complete because of him. And I won’t let myself continue to wade through the splinters that death has brought me. Instead, I will find joy in what I am creating from that earth-shattering day. Just like I still enjoy my imperfect stained glass piece.

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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A New Year With Old Grief

Wed, 30 Dec 2015 16:55:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

At this time of year there begins to be a focus on a new year. It means new beginnings. A chance to start fresh. A time to renew ourselves.

But facing a new year while grieving can make things seem a bit more complicated (grief seems to have that effect on just about everything). For many, it is one more reminder that they won’t be seeing their loved one this year. For those with more recent losses, this may be the first year they are starting without their loved one.

There is no doubt that we will grieve in this new year, but we might be able to influence how we grieve. As we continue to discover what living without our loved one means, we have a choice in exploring new ways to live with positive energy, or we can remain in the depths of despair.

Of course, we will always have those bad days (or weeks or months). But as time continues on, the raw wound of the death may begin to change a bit – or perhaps we just get better at knowing how to bandage that wound so it isn’t as susceptible to the bitter elements.

It is my hope that with the new year we can remember all the things that our grief has taught us – perhaps we are now more compassionate, or we cherish our loved ones more, or we have learned to survive even when we didn’t think we could. And we can take those new lessons into this new year and move forward, even while we might long for the past.

And, as always, it is my hope that you might move forward towards healing, while letting the good parts of your deceased loved one live on in you.

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

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Grief During the Holidays

Sun, 15 Nov 2015 16:34:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

This time of year is often laden with holiday memories. Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Year’s, Kwanzaa…it seems most people celebrate some event with this families this time of year. Often, it’s a time we look forward to. But when you have lost a loved one, the approaching holidays may fill you with sadness and dread.

There are many common concerns that occur when we’ve had a loved one die, such as:

One of the first pieces of advice I would give you is to give yourself permission to put your needs and yourself above the social obligations you have participated in in the past.

This may mean that you decide you want to celebrate the holiday differently than you have before (or conversely, you may want to keep it exactly the same). You may make back-up plans if the day/event rolls around and you don’t feel up to your original plans.

Secondly, set realistic expectations for yourself. Don’t try and over extend yourself if you know you are still in a fragile place. Also, set boundaries with your family and friends. Let them know you don’t want to be pressured into celebrating in ways you aren’t ready for.

Be sure to schedule time to do things you enjoy (holiday related or not). Spend time outside, do some baking, or participate in regular exercise. These activities can give your heart and mind some peace for a short time.

And lastly, find comfort in serving others. The holidays are a hard time for many, and sharing your time or talents with others can make a difficult time a little better for someone else. Serving others can help take us out of the negative mental space that grief often occupies.

However you choose to face the holidays, remember there are people out there who care for you and want to offer their support. There are also many people out there who are also grieving, and sharing grief can help lessen the burden.

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

The post Grief During the Holidays appeared first on Memorial Mortuaries .

Do I Need Grief Counseling?

Wed, 21 Oct 2015 16:12:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

Unfortunately, death is part of life. We will all grieve in our lifetime. Heavy, intense, and long-lasting negative emotions are very normal after a death.

You may be wondering if grief counseling would help with those feelings or be able to “speed up” the grieving process. Others may have told you that you need to see a grief counselor. It can be confusing to know when to seek professional help. Below are some items to consider if you are uncertain if grief counseling would help you.

(It should be noted that many of the below items are not a cause for concern in the immediate aftermath of the death, but if they are still present in months or years following the death, they may be more problematic.)

Do you have recurrent thoughts of suicide or wanting to die so you can be with your loved one?

Are you worried about how you are coping with the death of your loved one?

Has your sleep, appetite, or weight changed considerably since the death of your loved one?

Do you have intense confusion or a very difficult time concentrating since your loved one’s death?

Do you feel extreme rage or paralyzing sadness on a regular basis?

Do others tell you that you are not coping well?

If you feel that many of the above items apply to you, it may be time to seek out professional help. The most important way to know if you might need help is if you feel that your quality of life has been significantly, and negatively, changed and you have been unable to find relief over time.

Most people will not want or need grief counseling. However, others find comfort in having a neutral place to go where you can talk with a professional about your thoughts and concerns. Some people seek this out immediately after a death – others wait months or years.

Grief counseling may be short or long term. It might involve individual, family, or group therapy. Many clients only come one or two sessions to ask questions, others come regularly for months. There is no set plan for grief counseling; you can work with the counselor to figure out what will be most helpful for you.

If you want to speak with a grief counselor by phone or in person, you may contact Amanda Nelsen, CMHC, at amanda.nelsen@securitynational .com or 801-718-1520. We do not charge for our grief services .

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

The post Do I Need Grief Counseling? appeared first on Memorial Mortuaries .

An Unexpected Death

Wed, 14 Oct 2015 15:59:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

A death that is sudden, traumatic, accidental, or unexpected brings about unique feelings of grief that may not accompany other losses. The devastating nature of an unexpected death can leave one feeling extremely vulnerable and shaken.

Here are some common grieving issues that accompany an unexpected death:

Disbelief :

It often takes a while for a sudden death to sink in and feel real. During this time, shock and uncertainty may accompany disbelief.

Blame :

Those left behind often try and find ways to blame others or themselves for the death. We want to find answers or meaning behind a sudden or traumatic death. These feelings can create more guilt, hurt, and anger.

Complex financial or legal issues :

Any death involves a great deal of paperwork, but when a death is unexpected, those issues can become overwhelming very quickly. It can be especially difficult to deal with financial problems when you are swallowed in shock and grief.

Mental health issues :

When a death is traumatic, survivors may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Survivors may also have extended or complex grief to work through. These issues may be best treated with the help of professionals.

Lack of closure :

Most deaths leave pain and emptiness for the survivors, but an unexpected death can leave us feeling like our relationship with that person is incomplete. Thoughts and feelings that you didn’t get a chance to share with your loved one can become consuming.

Going through the grieving process can be slow and agonizing under these circumstances. With time, the grieving process will become less intense, and you will find your own way to come to terms with the loss.

If you or a loved one has questions or concerns about grief, please contact Memorial’s Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen, at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com.

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

The post An Unexpected Death appeared first on Memorial Mortuaries .

Now What?: Grief Basics

Wed, 07 Oct 2015 15:51:00 GMT

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

Grief is a normal response to loss, any loss. With the death of a loved one, you will experience grief in a variety of ways. You will not grieve the same way your partner, children, or friends grieve. Your grief may involve:

There may be loss of relationships, changes in traditions and rituals, and perhaps significant changes in lifestyle. These changes might make you feel hopeless and lost.

You may also have well-intentioned people tell you that you will, “get over it,” with time. We know that one rarely “gets over” or “moves on” from grief – but usually grief lessens in intensity and you are able to find a “new normal” for yourself.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. However, some thoughts and behaviors may be more beneficial and healthy than others. Sometimes when grief feels too overwhelming or if you feel you are dealing with it in an unhealthy manner, it might be helpful to seek outside or professional help.

If you or a loved one has questions or concerns about grief, please feel free to contact Memorial’s Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen, at (801) 718-1520 or amandanelsen@securitynational.com.

Memorial Estates, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

The post Now What?: Grief Basics appeared first on Memorial Mortuaries .